I’m Not Good Enough

I’m not going to lie. I struggle with this. I’m in the middle of writing a book, and it has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. The level of vulnerability and persistence that it takes to follow through with this process was something that I was not ready for. 

I’ve made it to the editing stage, and I think this has been the scariest part so far. Up until now, I’ve held this little “baby” close to me, protected and guarded, as I pour out my thoughts. That moment when your “heart” leaves your hands and is now in the care of someone else, is terrifying. I feel like it’s a baby bird leaving the nest. The momma knows that it is time for that baby to spread their wings, but the big bad world is waiting to swallow it up. 

What I struggle with most is my innate need for perfection. I believe that God calls us to do things with EXCELLENCE, but the “perfection” I expect from myself is oftentimes a bit on the unhealthy side. And with a project that means so much to me, this has been a difficult beast to tame.

However, I had an epiphany the other day when I was preparing for the book cover photo shoot. Up until this point, I was stressing. I mean BIG, TIME, STRESSBALL, stressing. There are so many details that go into something like this. What should I wear? Will my makeup look ok? Will my crazy, growing out, hair cooperate? Will the lighting and location be right? I’m an extremely visual person so the “look” of something matters a lot to me. 

But then, as I was praying about it God gently reminded me of one of His truths. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5 says; “Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.” 

The purpose behind this book is to help other women and point people to Christ. I absolutely can’t do this on my own, or make it great based solely on MY abilities. My competence comes from God. Only He can take my humble attempts and turn them into something that will bring HIM glory. 

My writing coach and mentor, Staci Wallace, so beautifully put it when she told me that the “performance of your book will never equal the value of your obedience.” God just asks us to be obedient with what He has asked us to do. It doesn’t have to be perfect. 

Once I let myself off the hook, and stopped expecting perfection, I felt a peace about this project that I’ve never felt before. Will some people hate it? Yep. Will I have to remind myself of this again when the book is finally released and I’m freaking out? Yep. But, for now I’m going to trust the process, and ask God to breathe His life into my imperfections and weaknesses. 

And keep repeating my daily mantra. 

Less of me. More of HIM.

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