One Step at a Time…

Watch out cancer cells. Your days are numbered. Here is the nitty gritty. We decided on a treatment plan yesterday that will consist of four rounds of chemotherapy every three weeks. After those four rounds we will assess how well the cancer has responded to the chemo. If everything is looking good then I will wait a month to recover and then have surgery.

There is a possibility, I could need an additional two chemo rounds. But, as far as I’m concerned, that won’t be necessary.  I will begin treatment this Thursday, starting with the port placement, and will then be given the “chemo cocktail” that the doctors have prescribed. 

These past few weeks, beginning the day I was diagnosed until now, have been like nothing I have ever experienced. It has been a combination of a few very joyful and happy days, and a lot of rock bottom days with a few “meh” days mixed in.

Andrew and I have experienced all of the emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis; fear, denial, anger, disbelief, and extreme sadness. It has forced us to confront the realization that we can’t “do” this life on our own. We always knew and understood this concept. But, until you are faced with something as tragic and uncertain as cancer, you don’t really grasp the scope of it.

Cancer strips you of any inkling that you can “fix this” or muscle through it on your own will-power, and takes you to a place of complete dependence on something greater than yourself. At some point, you have to take your hands off the steering wheel and say, “Lord, take over.” The peace that comes with allowing yourself to do that, regarding any struggle in your life, is indescribable. 

I was explaining that feeling to a friend using an image that has been coming to my mind recently. The image is a cloudy, stormy, sometimes sunny landscape that represented my life. Some days are sunny and beautiful, and others are downright tumultuous. But within that landscape is a thin silver thread that is constant, unwavering and strong.

This thread represents the peace that I hold onto and have found through my faith. It’s the one thing that doesn’t change throughout the changing landscape of each day, and it’s the one thing that keeps me going, and looking forward with hope. There are so many verses in the Bible that support this concept, but the one that spoke to me, of course on the day I needed it most, was Isaiah 12:2.

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”

So, some may say that “every cloud has a silver lining”. But, I like to say mine has a silver thread, and I am holding on for dear life.