Fighter

Battling cancer is not only a physical fight, but it’s also a mental fight. Keeping my mind focused on healing, and staying positive throughout this incredibly difficult journey is one of the biggest challenges I have faced.

But, I am pleased to say that I was given a mental game changer about eleven days ago. It came in the form of five simple words spoken by my oncologist as I was sitting in her exam room.

“This is your last treatment.”

(Insert instant tear explosion and a loud, “Thank you Lord!”, from the turban, fancy earring, and hospital gown wearing patient……here.) 

After collecting myself and going through a good box of rough hospital Kleenex, it started to sink in that this treatment would be my last. I could finally begin imagining what a true recovery may feel like.

Toward the end of my “drip session”, which is the lengthy act of receiving the chemotherapy drugs that is as about as exciting as watching paint dry, all of the amazing nurses in the infusion center surprised me with a celebratory song complete with maracas and bubbles. It was like being sung “Happy Birthday” at a Mexican restaurant, minus the sombrero, but WAY better! I am so grateful for all of those wonderful caregivers, and how well they took care of me during my time there. 

Up until this point, I wasn’t sure if I would need four or six treatments and it was weighing on me heavily. I had fervently prayed that I would only have to endure four cycles, and had asked many times that God would give me peace during the agonizing days leading up to knowing for sure.

I knew in my heart that four cycles would be my course, and there were many signs I felt God revealed to me to offer reassurance, but I’ll be honest, there was still a slight fear that I could be wrong. I am grateful for the treatments and will forever be thankful that they are ridding my body of this horrible disease. But, the physical toll that chemotherapy has on you literally and figuratively takes your breath away.

It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever faced. But through it all, I felt God calling me to simply trust. 

I needed to trust in the doctors that they have my health and best interest at heart as they use their knowledge to develop and execute a plan. Then trust in the incredible friends and family that continue to surround me with their support through meals, caring for my children, or simply praying for me.

But most importantly, trust in God. He alone holds me in the palm of His hand and will never let me go. Trusting is believing in His promises no matter what the circumstances, and one of His promises is “perfect peace”.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you”.

I trust that He loves me and He will heal me. I trust that His perfect will is at work in my life even if I can’t see it right now. I trust that no matter how hard this gets He will see me through to the other side. 

Trust has been the most important weapon in my arsenal as I fight this battle. There have been many times lying in my bed struggling with so much pain, discomfort, and fatigue that all I can find the strength to do is whisper in my mind, “I trust you. I trust you.”

In situations like this, I believe this is all He desires of us. A simple whisper of trust, especially in those moments when we are unable to physically muster anything greater. 

As each day passes I feel my strength slowly beginning to rise, and I’m finally able to say, “That was my last day 3 post treatment, that was my last day 4 etc.…”. I still have some hurdles in front of me, surgery being one of them, but my best weapon,“TRUST”, is still cocked and loaded.

So, I’m still here to tell cancer it’s time to say goodbye to it’s final days, and to watch out….

This girl is packing heat.

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